What's to die for?

This is a taboo topic. I know that not a lot of people feel comfortable talking about this but as usual (and the point of this blog) I want to encourage and empower you all with truth and to seek healing in God in order to fulfill your true potential. The enemy DOESN'T WANT THIS AT ALL and he would try anything to derail us from God's purpose for our lives. "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." 《John 10:10 NLT》

Dear YOU,

I have never actually attempted to end my own life but I have thought about it at least once (consciously) for as long as I have lived so far. I want to specifically address this experience that took place last year. It wasn't a regular summer. This time I was determined to try new things and have fun, so my sisters and I made plans to visit nature trails, museums and just explore our town and neighborhood. I had also decided that I wasn't going to take my health too seriously—the main reason being that I was fed up with a lot and trying (at the time) felt like a waste. Of course it would turn out to be something that bit me so hard in the butt later on. September had arrived and it was time for my annual blood test. Upon receiving my results a few days later, it was highlighted that my blood marker was sitting at the very starting point of a pre-diabetes diagnosis. FRUSTRATION and CONFUSION were my immediate reactions. I couldn't understand how one summer lead to this. Bare in mind that I was not at any capacity to think about the body changing with age and such because these things happen. I read my Doctor's suggestions and reached out to her with questions but the new information I possessed was too much for me. I began to feel like living this life was impossible because my medical results contradicted my personal goals. The diet my Doctor had suggested contradicted my personal goals. Everything felt like a contradiction against my very existence. Thinking about having TMJ[please read previous blog if you're confused by this]—and already not being able to eat certain foods—on top of this caused me to mentally spiral and I opened a window for the enemy to come in and plant thoughts of suicide in my mind. I couldn't see past my selfishness—what I wanted was taken away so maybe I should also take myself away. I wanted to die. The most selfish act of all because in Christ my life is not my own, I belong to Him. "Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body." 《1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NLT》 But let me remind you that a war has two sides and God gives us everything we need to overcome in the face of trial and temptation. There was a part of me that knew that dying prematurely—especially by my own hand—was not the answer, so I looked at myself in the mirror and grabbed a hold of my brokenness. After this, I did what I usually do to articulate what I'm feeling (create) and I wrote a short story to myself. Here it is. {I sternly looked at myself in the mirror. I raised a finger and pointed it straight at me. I then said, "Stop crying!" As a tear streamed down my cheek. I let out a heavy sigh and continued, "How are you supposed to help others if you can't even help yourself?", "This is supposed to happen. God is making you stronger before he heals you because he said he would but do you deserve to be healed?" I paused, thinking about the question I just asked myself. Memories of all the pain and trials I've been through for as long as I could remember flooded my misted mind. I didn't do anything to deserve this. "Yes." I answered myself. I'm supposed to be here (I began defying the evil thoughts planted by the enemy in my vulnerability). If I was given the choice to be here or not, I would've chosen not to be and then what?...I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!} I just want to correct myself and reassure you that bad things aren't SUPPOSED to happen to us. They do because we live in a broken and sinful world but be encouraged because what the enemy meant for our harm, God always uses for our good. If you are feeling suicidal I AM SO SORRY. I'm praying that you feel God's presence with you. His heart is breaking with yours and He wants you to know that you mean the world to Him. So much so that He gave His only son to die for our sins and be risen again for our salvation. If you need someone to encourage you and help you change your perspective on your current situation, I am here. You can reach out to me. Otherwise, there are hotlines you can call to receive the help you need, PLEASE DO SO. Your life matters dear friends. —xoxo,

MCW

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