Sadness Broke Me

On Sunday morning during worship, I was reminded of just how deep God's love flows. This led me to think of the time I fell face first into depression and I'm not lying when I say it made me sick. Thinking of how dark and hard that time was and how I was able to get through that, just displays the magnitude of God's love and grace.

Depression in itself is a sickness—a mental and emotional one—and it affects your body physically also. But who would've thought something like this could happen?... Without further adieu, here's my story.

October 19th 2017 my heart was once again shattered into a million pieces, as my grandmother had breathed her last breath that morning. She wasn't fatally ill, so I struggled so badly trying to understand why God would take her away from me so suddenly—especially when it was already planned for my sisters and I to visit her at home in Trinidad just two months later. I still think about receiving that phone call. It's something that I have to shake the fear of happening again. After her passing, crying was all I could do. I barely prayed, I just cried myself to sleep for nights on end and woke up in tears with her being my first thought. Days passed and even after her funeral (which we had to watch live on social media) I found myself not wanting to get out of bed—I'd sleep through more than half of the day—nor talk to anyone, nor do anything. I didn't have the feeling to draw or laugh or anything that was associated with my personality. When I explained this to my older sister, her response was, "Merrisa, you're depressed." It was the first time I'd ever considered that to be something I was experiencing. About a month later I began having pain and itchiness in both of my ears. Of course my first reaction was that of frustration. What is wrong with me!? As if things weren't already bad enough, I thought to myself. I found myself at the doctor's office, visiting an ENT Specialist (ears, nose, throat) because I'd come to the conclusion that I somehow had an ear infection. By the end of my visit I left more confused than ever. I'd been told that there was no ear infection, in fact I was diagnosed with TMJ disorder (it's a mandibular disorder that affects the jaw, the muscles of your face and neck and contributes to severe migraines). [I may elaborate more on this and other physical ailments I deal with in another blog post, if God leads me to do so.] What I then realised was the cycle of cause and effect that had taken place. My grandmother's death ⇓ Depression ⇓ Stress clenching in my sleep ⇓ TMJ Disorder Battling with this has honestly drawn me closer to God. Although other things began weaseling their way in and pain has become a song a sing often, God has told me that He is with me (He always has been) and He's using what the enemy meant for my harm, to make me stronger in Him. Being in frequent pain draws me nearer to Him because His strength is then made greater in my weakness (although this isn't always easy to remember.) I've recently come to understand (by the help of an experience my older sister had) that the enemy uses depression to STEAL, KILL & DESTROY our purpose. When we lose all hope and faith, we stop moving. We stop walking with God into our true potential and that's the reason for us being here, to fulfill God's purpose for our lives. Friends, you've already won this war through Christ's death and resurrection, so let's not stay down as though we're defeated. Depression is a passing experience. With the help of the few people around me, I was able to find my footing little by little and although there are still days when I experience depression for whatever reason, I now know that my ever-present help in trouble is reaching His right hand out to me and He is there waiting to hold your face in His hands too. "But you, O Lord , are a shield around me; you are my glory, the one who holds my head high." 《Psalms 3:3 NLT》 Be encouraged,

MCW 💛