This is 25

I'm sorry, Ressie can't come to the phone right now. Why?—because she's DEAD.

Dear YOU,

Have you ever felt as though a part of you has died and you no longer identify with it? Well that's where I'm at.

For those of you who don't know [and I know that's a lot of you] Ressie was the nickname I grew up with [pronounced; Ree-Cee]. I don't know who was the first to call me that but it's what I've always been called until about age 14 or 15 when my baby sister started calling me Risa because she couldn't say my full name. That didn't stick with me until I was about 17, but I digress.

The point of this post is to address the change that has occurred within me during the hardest season of my life so far. Learning about what my life really consisted/consists of [narcissistic abuse and emotional neglect] and understanding now that a lot (if not all) of who I was in the past were symptoms of trauma and coping mechanisms, has definitely broken that part of me off. While taking steps to heal from all of it, I feel like the only time "Ressie" needs to be addressed is by me when I'm soothing/healing my inner child. 

I've really been hurting these past few weeks as revelation and understanding continues to unravel. I've been taking God's advice and being transparent with some people who I know can either relate or handle it. But it's a lot to deal with, learning more of your past while begging to finally reach your future and let's not even mention the suicidal thoughts and psychological attacks on top of that. All distractions of the enemy to prevent me from becoming who I'm meant to be, doing what I'm meant to do.

I'm exhausted guys. I just wanna live MY f__king life and be left the f__ck alone. Be MERRISA, fulfilling the potential that I know I have. Not "Ressie" the soft, quiet, timid, VICTIM that these narcissists love to take advantage of!

This is how I feel and my feelings are valid and justifiable, despite what anyone may think at this point.

There are things that people get rid of when they grow, heal, change and no longer identify with certain aspects of themselves. Things like their hair, clothes, souvenirs etc. Well for me, it's that name I grew up being called.

I think of her and I feel sad. I think of her and I get angry. I'm called by that name by certain family members and I feel like her again. I don't want to be her anymore. She's gone.

It's also not a coincidence that I'm starting to feel this way a few days after I turned 25. God said to me a month ago that I would be established at age 25. I still don't know what that means or what that would look like. Is it this? Is it career wise? All I know is that my old skin is falling off as the new one grows underneath and Ressie is leaving with it.

—xo, MCW #mpowered

PS. I'm in the process of writing my second poetry book, which carries a lot of that transparency I mentioned above. I feel the change in me radiating from the words of those pieces and I'd love for you to experience that too. So subscribe to the blog, which puts you on my mailing list and you'll be notified on book 2 and other stuff Mpowered has in store (not spammed, I promise). I can't wait for you to read this book!

#narcissiticabuse #healingjourney #selflove #mylifemycontrol #wellness #storytelling #empowerment #newskin #newlife #newme #healingyourinnerchild #emotionalhealing #25 #birthdaypost #selfgrowth